


your name is safe in my mouth

by nykteris



Series: bullets beneath our skin [1]
Category: I.O.I (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Assassins & Hitmen, F/F, it's almost christmas so the OBVIOUS thing to do is write something about assassins/hitmen, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-08 20:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8859031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nykteris/pseuds/nykteris
Summary: It’s like they said: the heart wants what it wants, and Somi knows who her heart wants.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [softshocks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/softshocks/gifts).



> **[EDIT ; 07/15/2017]**. i've added some stuff here and there, as well as reformatted the work a little for #aesthetic.
> 
>  **WARNING(S):** mentions of blood, though not overly graphic, but i'm just throwing this out here in case.
> 
> ☆☆☆
> 
> part 1 of 'nikki wrote me sesom so i'm gonna repay the favor'! I really intended for this to be, like, half the word count it's at now but who the fuck was i kidding tbh? It didn't help that i started #researching because it just made me want to flesh out the thing even more. Oh well.
> 
> Your actual _actual_ bday gift is coming real soon, nikki! Think of this as the pre-gift, or something to that effect.
> 
> There's a reference to _the red shoes_ (1948) in there if you look close enough.
> 
> Title credit: ([x](http://sleepwalking.nu/post/54961225034/your-name-is-safe-in-my-mouth-your-heart-too))

 

 

 

 

 

**( part one )**

**your name is safe in my mouth**

 

 

 

 

 

This is what they teach you in the academy — they teach you how to assemble and disassemble a gun, how to hold it and how to shoot; they teach you to be proficient in as many languages as possible, because language is power; they teach you close-quarter combat, teach you to fight to the death if it ever got to that; they teach you how to utilize anything and everything in a fight, because the truth of it is that if you know what you’re doing, anything can be a weapon in your hands. You will walk out of these doors efficient, effective and self-sufficient — one hundred percent guaranteed.

Somi has never once felt helpless or hopeless, never felt like she didn’t know what to do or like she _couldn’t_ do anything. All in all, Somi has always been pretty sure and confident with herself. Nothing could shake that or herself. But life, as Somi has begrudgingly come to accept, is full of surprises and it had one in store just for her.

It comes in the form of a knee to her solar plexus that sends her to the ground where she curls up into herself. Her breathing is labored and she thinks maybe she’s broken another rib or two and the blood from her mouth drips to the floor. Her lower lip is already starting to feel numb and Somi knows she’s going to need stitches for this one. It won’t be a pretty sight. Worst of all, standing over her, in all her glory, is Kim Sejeong.

Sejeong extends a hand to Somi. Somi considers taking it but when she catches their mentor, Yubin, staring at her with an intensity that makes ice shoot through her veins, she forces herself up (she bites into the side of her cheek to stop herself from yelping in pain) and swats away Sejeong’s hand. Sejeong just retracts her hand back to her side, her expression even.

It isn't unusual for Yubin to invite some of the older kids whenever she could and it was just Somi’s luck that she got put against one of Yubin’s bests.

Yubin calls it a day and everyone starts filing out of the training room. They all look the same — bruises and cuts scattered all over their bodies, fists bloodied or wrapped in bandages, a few black eyes here and there — but no one shows any sign of weakness. They walk out with their heads held high, chins proud, and Somi does the same even when her sides feel like they’re burning. When she passes by Yubin, the older woman murmurs to her, “Go get that checked in the infirmary.” Then, sterner, “Your arrogance got the best of you today. Just because she’s smaller than you it doesn’t mean you should be lax. Stay sharp, stay on guard.”

Somi can’t help but wince under the weight of Yubin’s gaze. “I’ll do better next time.”

Yubin doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t even so much as nod. Somi can feel her disappointment. Somi manages a small bow before exiting the room. It takes her by surprise when Sejeong, the one who put her in this state in the first place, walks up beside her and asks in a low voice, “Are you okay?”

Somi scowls at Sejeong. Normally it would be enough to make anyone bothering her go away, but Sejeong seems to be persistent. Somi grumbles down at Sejeong (it just makes her feel worse about getting her ass kicked because Sejeong is almost a whole head shorter than her), “You shouldn’t be asking me that.”

Sejeong quirks her lips to the side, eyes apologetic, and says, “I’m sorry about earlier. You know how Yubin gets about these things.”

Something about that makes Somi smile a little but she hides it behind the curtain of hair that falls down the side of her face. Sejeong is right about Yubin — their mentor hated it when her students went easy on each other and she made sure everyone had their turn on the mats. Though quite harsh and hard on her students, Somi still liked Yubin a little more than the others. If Sejeong had taken it easy on Somi it would have just gotten them both a scolding.

“I can take you to the infirmary if you want,” Sejeong offers, voice still dropped to a whisper. They pass by a pair of mentors and bow curtly.

Somi scoffs. “I don’t need you for that. I don’t need you for anything.”

Sejeong doesn’t seem offended by Somi’s words, instead just shrugging to herself. She says with a lopsided and sheepish smile, “I just felt bad, is all. I might have overdone it.”

“There’s no room here for feeling bad over pointless things like this,” Somi grumbles. She decides that maybe Sejeong is starting to get on her nerves. “If anyone is to blame here, it’s me. I didn’t do good enough.”

Sejeong shoves her hands into her pockets then shrugs. “If you say so.”

Somi sneaks a glance at Sejeong from the corner of her eye. She isn’t beautiful the way Chaeyeon is (she’s sure even Venus herself is green with envy), but she’s still good-looking. Her features are pleasant and soft, even with the band-aid slapped across the bridge of her nose and even when her right eye is bruising. It bewilders Somi how someone who looks like _this_ could ever be a killer like the rest of them are. Something about it sends a chill down Somi’s spine.

They part ways at the dining hall. Somi walks over to Chaeyeon and Dani’s table while Sejeong walks over to her friends’ table; Somi recognizes Im Nayoung, a favorite by many of their mentors, and Kim Chungha, who was as lethal as she was graceful. She tears her eyes away from them.

Chaeyeon gingerly turns Somi’s head and examines the ugly gash on her lip. She looks over to where Somi had been looking, over to Sejeong’s table, and she scrunches her nose at Somi. “Got your ass handed to you, huh?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Five stitches, a broken rib and a sprained wrist later, Somi is still thinking about Sejeong. The hitch in her breath always reminds her of her defeat in Sejeong’s hands. Then, it becomes all she can think of.

It keeps her sharp and gets the adrenaline pumping through her veins. She shoots better, fights better. Yubin never showed if she was impressed or not, but Somi’s learned to read the woman and she can tell Yubin is happy with her renewed sense of focus. Competition and even rivalry are good things. _Anything_ that pushes the pupils to do better and be more effective killing machines is _always_ a good thing.

She trains tirelessly but Sejeong is nowhere to be found. Sejeong is one of the older kids, an active agent, and their training was far more intense too, their mentors stricter and harsher. Somi herself had only a little time left before she graduated. _Maybe Sejeong is busy_ , she concludes. Somi is disappointed that she’s going to have to wait a little longer before she can settle their score, but at least that gives her more time to sharpen her (hypothetical) knives.

Somi also finds herself thinking about Sejeong more often than she’d like. It dawns on her that she’s only a killer _in theory_ compared to Sejeong, who was one _in practice_. Their training is vigorous  and their mentors never babied their pupils, but Somi knows that whatever was waiting for them out there is still different. She knows that many have choked and failed after being thrown into the field, thrown out of the comfort of the academy’s compound to the real world where anything and everything could go wrong. They were all trained to be killers, but the truth of it is that not everyone is really made for the job. She’s heard of people breaking down and losing their minds entirely after their first kill, and there were cases of slow deterioration as well. Somi doesn’t know what the academy’s done to those who proved to be failures.

She thinks of Sejeong and wonders again how anyone who looked like that, who felt so _different_ from everyone and from Somi herself, could be... _like all of us here?_ Somi ponders on how Sejeong had approached her to apologize and how genuinely concerned she looked. She doesn’t remember the last time anyone looked at her which such softness.

Somi falls asleep with Sejeong’s face burned into the back of her eyelids.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Somi manages to find some time to herself. Day and night the academy was alive and abuzz and the only time the pupils got to rest was during mealtimes and when it was time to sleep. They trained and studied all day long, restlessly and relentlessly. It’s instilled discipline (and obedience) in all of them and no one ever complained — or if they had any complaints, no one said a thing.

There were no rooms or areas in the compound that were meant for relaxation or recreation. It didn’t seem to cross the founders’ minds that maybe there would be a need for such things, and the generations after didn’t seem to think so either. Somi thinks otherwise; yes, she didn’t complain about being active day and night and sometimes even having to go two to three days without sleep (her body could withstand the physical strain, anyway) but she did believe there was a need for quiet time. Even just a few minutes or hours of a day should go to...well, not having to _think_ or do anything, some time to just breathe.

It’s a strange place to call her quiet place, but the modest chapel in the farthest corner of the main building served Somi’s needs well enough. Hardly anyone ever went there, especially at night, and it seemed odd that it was even built when hardly anyone here was religious. There were other secluded areas and rooms dedicated as places of worship but she hardly saw anyone go to those either. In any case, Somi would sneak out of the bustle of dinner time and to the chapel whenever she could. Now is the first time she’s gotten some time to herself in the past two weeks.

She lightly pushes the door open and it creaks. Somi is surprised to finds someone else inside already. Her body tenses and her heart hammers against her chest. “What are _you_ doing here?”

Sejeong turns her head to look at Somi over her shoulder. “Oh, it’s you again.”

Somi stays stuck on her spot, lips pressed into a thin line. She considers just turning on her heel and leaving without a word but she seems unable to. She shifts uncomfortably under the weight of Sejeong’s steady gaze but finds herself drawn to her all at once.

Sejeong’s entire face lights up when she smiles, her eyes curving into crescents. Somi doesn’t think she’s ever seen anything quite like it before. She says, “It’s alright. I don’t mind the company.” When Somi doesn’t  budge, she adds, “Oh. I mean, I could go if you want. That’s fine with me, too.”

It surprises Somi when she blurts out, “No.” Sejeong raises a brow and Somi clears her throat. “Stay,” she mumbles. “You can stay.”

Somi slowly walks towards Sejeong and she puts a few inches between them when she sits down on the bench. They both look at the altar a few feet ahead, staring at the wooden cross hung on the wall. They sit in complete silence.

Suddenly, Sejeong asks, “Do you believe in God?”

Somi shakes her head. “I don’t think anyone in this place does."

“Funny how we have a chapel but no believers,” Sejeong muses, one corner of her mouth tugging up. She leans back. “To be honest, I don’t believe in any god either. I find the concept of praying, of forgiveness, pretty interesting though.”

Somi turns her head to look at Sejeong. The band-aid on her nose is gone now and the swelling on her eye has gotten better, close to gone as well. Her features are just as soft as Somi remembers them being. “It’s an appealing thought,” she admits.

Sejeong nods. “I only learned to pray after I graduated,” she tells Somi.

“Does it help?” Somi asks, genuinely curious.

“Not really,” Sejeong confesses. “I don’t think there’s any god either who would listen to the prayers of someone who doesn’t have complete faith in them, anyway.”

“So why do you still pray, then?”

“It provides some sense of comfort, I suppose. I guess it’s just nice to imagine that maybe there’s some being up there that will actually listen to what I have to say.”

Somi’s heart softens at that. She thinks about how in a few months, she’ll be in the same position as Sejeong. It would be the real deal soon, and she wonders if she’ll be able to swallow down the fear or the guilt, wonders if she’ll learn to utter a prayer too. “I’m not here to pray,” she says in the end, voice soft. “I just needed to get away from it all even just for a bit.”

Sejeong answers, “I get that. It gets a little suffocating every now and then.” Then, sheepishly she asks, “How’s the rib?”

Somi can’t stop the smile that pulls on her lips. “It’s better now.”

“Sorry about that again,” Sejeong mumbles. “I seriously didn’t mean to, you know…”

Somi waves a hand dismissively. “You beat me fair and square. I just didn’t do as well as I should have. And why do you care so much anyway?”

“Why can’t I care?”

Somi goes quiet. She can think of a million and one things to say — _because to care and to be soft is weakness_ , _because there’s no room for kindness in a world like ours and for people like you and me_ , _because you and I don’t owe each other anything_ , _because it’s messing with my head_ — but they never leave her mouth.

Sejeong gazes at her studiously, her eyes suddenly sharp. Then, they soften. In those few seconds it feels like seeing two completely different people to Somi: the Sejeong that the academy has created, and the Sejeong that is warm and open and unlike anyone else Somi has ever met. She says, “I can go now, if you want. It _is_ your alone time, after all.”

“I think…”

Sejeong waits for her answer, patient and quiet. And maybe a little hopeful.

Somi swallows down the lump in her throat. “I think I could use the company.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sejeong’s presence is a novelty Somi grows accustomed to. Neither made a proper agreement to continuously meet up at the chapel, but that was what happened in the end. Somi thinks that it isn’t _entirely_ coincidental that every time she goes to the chapel, Sejeong is already there or she arrives shortly after. Somi’s not complaining, though.

They spend their time together talking. They don’t talk about family (no one here had anyone to call family; most if not all of them were raised here, orphans lost in the system and plucked from their families at infancy, and having no attachment to family meant having no distractions) and they don’t talk about lovers (though sleeping around wasn’t very uncommon, there was no room for _love_ here; love meant attachment, and in a world where you should be ready to die if it comes to it, attachment is dangerous). They find other things to talk about, like their mentors (Somi would complain and Sejeong would tell her about the others she had yet to train under, giving her tips on what made them happy and what didn’t) or other things like history, religion, food, pop culture — and Somi enjoyed every second of it. Her conversations with Sejeong were different from the conversations she had with, say, Dani or Chaeyeon. It isn’t just because Sejeong told her about her experience on the field, however little she might have for now (though she kept mum on the finer details of things). She was just...different.

Everything about her is magnetizing to Somi and try as she might to not be drawn to her, she just fails every time. She can’t help the happy foxtrot her heart does when she enters the otherwise empty chapel to find Sejeong already there. Sejeong is warm, accommodating and honest. And she was a pretty engaging storyteller, to top it all off.

“Sunmi’s got this thing that she always used to tell us,” Sejeong says to her. “She said that we’re ‘a necessary evil’ in this world.”

Somi raises a brow. “A necessary evil.”

“She would always go on and on about stuff like that, but she always liked reminding her students of that one particular thing. Sunmi would say that we wouldn’t exist without someone or something causing a necessity for our existence. Redundant, I know, but I thought about it a lot and she did make sense. She’s also something of a walking and talking history textbook, so she would talk about the rise of the assassins — you know the stories, the _fida’i_ and Sinan taking down Saladin and Conrad of Montferrat.” Sejeong chuckles. “I think that bit is just for showing off her history know-how.”

“I’ve honestly gotten tired of hearing those stories,” Somi admits. “My ears will bleed out soon from how they sit us down to tell us those damn things again and again.”

“It’s just a pride thing, I think,” Sejeong replies. She shrugs when she says, “We’re a proud bunch and I guess being able to say we can sorta trace our lineage of sorts to that...it just gives us more to brag about. You know, boosts our egoes and all that. That’s what Chungha thinks, anyway.”

“Huh.” Somi smiles and remarks, “You never run out of things to talk about, do you?”

“You listen, so it’s easy for me to talk to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I guess barely anyone here has time to just sit down and, you know, _talk_ ,” Sejeong explains, brows furrowed. Her lips curl into a small smile. “But it’s different when I’m with you.”

Somi thinks that maybe her brain is playing tricks on her, but there’s a softness to how Sejeong says _it’s different when I’m with you_ , there’s something like warmth and affection in her words and in her smile. It’s something Somi is not used to, and it’s something that makes her heart want to rip right out of her chest. It makes her breath catch in her throat, makes her insides do somersaults. The academy has taught her many things, has made her close to invincible against anything and everything, yet here she was _cowering_ before...before whatever the hell this is she’s starting to feel.

Somi thinks that this may just be the start of a big problem.

 

 

* * *

 

 

She sees Sejeong the next morning during breakfast. They’re five tables apart but their eyes lock. Sejeong’s words reverberate in her head: _it’s different when I’m with you_.

Somi’s heart twists in her chest when the corners of Sejeong’s mouth lift up slightly into a small and sleepy smile directed at no one else but her. That’s when Somi knows she’s got a _huge_ problem.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The dagger falls to the ground with a loud thud. Somi holds her wrist, massaging it, and she hisses when she presses too hard on the swelling bruise. Chaeyeon clicks her tongue and grumbles, “You’re distracted.”

Somi bends down to pick up the dagger, easily slipping back to position. “You caught me off guard,” she replies. “That’s all there is to it.”

Chaeyeon looks unconvinced but they continue on sparring. Her movements are far smoother and more lithe than Somi’s, but Somi is far quicker on her feet. The blades whizz and cut through the air, their arms flying out to block each strike. It’s going well until Somi’s mind goes completely blank again and Chaeyeon times her move just right; she smacks the back of Somi’s wrist with the butt of her blade and Somi drops hers right away with a yelp. She wipes the sweat of her brow with the back of her hand and says, “ _Distracted_.” She punctuates every syllable.

Somi scowls. She plops down to the ground, making sure not to accidentally sit on the blade. Her heart and her breathing gradually steady and once all the adrenaline is gone, she starts to feel the soreness in her arms. It especially hurts at her wrists; Chaeyeon was all too fond of the hit-and-disarm techniques like the sadist that she is. A frustrated groan rips through her lips.

“What’s on your mind?” Chaeyeon asks. She sits down too, stretching her legs.

“Nothing,” Somi lies.

Chaeyeon cocks a brow. “You’re not a very good liar, Somi.”

“Whatever.” Somi pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them. She huffs indignantly.

“Something is obviously bugging you,” Chaeyeon insists. “You’re lucky it’s just me and not Kahi. She would give you shit.”

Somi supposes Chaeyeon is right. Kahi hated it when anyone walked into a sparring session distracted. She’d seen Kahi get mad at students in the past for that, and the scolding seemed worse than any injuries sustained. “Nothing is bugging me,” she lies again.

Chaeyeon tilts her head to the side, a smirk playing on her lips. “Maybe it isn’t some _thing_ but some _one_.”

Heat crawls up Somi’s neck to her face and she’s blushing a deep shade of red. Somi wants to wipe the shit-eating grin from Chaeyeon’s face.

“ _Gotcha_.”

“Shut up,” Somi grumbles.

Chaeyeon only smiles wider. “Oh, come on. It’s not unusual to have a _crush_ on someone.”

“I don’t have a _crush_ ” — Somi wrinkles her nose in disgust — “on her.”

“‘Her’?”

Fuck. Somi mentally kicks herself for letting that slip. She can practically feel steam rising from her face. “Forget I even said anything,” she says, half a threat and half a plead.

“No can do,” Chaeyeon sing-songs, shaking her head. “You already brought it up so you might as well just tell me.”

“I said _forget it_.”

“You big baby! Just tell me already.”

Somi puckers her lower lip out in a stubborn pout. Under her breath, she mumbles, “Kim Sejeong.”

“Sejeong?” Chaeyeon asks, a little in disbelief. “She’s honestly the last person I expected. Isn’t she one of the older kids?”

Somi nods. “She gave me a busted lip and a broken rib.”

“Romantic,” Chaeyeon deadpans.

“Shut up, Chaeyeon. I don’t like her like _that_.”

“But you’re getting distracted over her.”

“So? That doesn’t mean I _like_ her. She’s just...messing with my head.” Somi considers telling her about everything but she stops herself. She realizes she’d rather just keep that to herself, keep that side and that memory of Sejeong her little secret.

Chaeyeon still doesn’t look convinced but she just shrugs in the end. “In any case, you shouldn’t let that distract you during class. You could lose a limb — or worse: you could get a scolding from Kahi.”

“I know, I know.”

Chaeyeon gets up, twirls the dagger in her hand and says, “Let’s go one more round.”

Somi gets up too and picks up the knife. She steadies her grip on it. She gets into position again, blade right in front of her and her feet just shoulder’s length apart.

Chaeyeon mirrors Somi’s body. “Put in a little more effort this time, yeah?” she teases.

Somi clicks her tongue and charges forward. Within a few seconds, her dagger comes flying right out of her hand again, falling back to the floor.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It takes Somi by surprise when she enters the training room to find Sejeong sitting by the wall right behind Yubin with a group of other older girls and boys, as well as some others who look more hardened and a little older than Sejeong and her group.  
  
She half-expects Sejeong to break into a smile but she doesn't. Somi catches the way her eyes light up, at least, and she nods at her in greeting. Sejeong does the same. Somi is a little disappointed but this was the training room, not the chapel anymore — things are different here and they had to act accordingly. Besides, no one else aside from Chaeyeon knew about her friendship with Sejeong, and she really didn't want to have to explain it or herself to anyone. Thankfully, Chaeyeon isn't around now to make fun of her, either.  
  
When everyone has filed in, Yubin starts the class. A woman of few words, she liked to get straight to the point, starting and ending their sessions on time. She didn't like wasting any second, and she always made sure everyone got their chance to shine (or got their chance to get their asses kicked in front of the whole class). They always started with warm-ups, light sparring and then finally Yubin would call students to step up and fight. Today is a little different since they have Yubin's past students over, older and more experienced, and they would have to go against them.  
  
Somi watches her classmates try their hand at fighting against Sejeong's group but it's difficult. One or two succeed, but more often than not they are beaten terribly.

Sejeong fights just as good as she did last time, practically breezing through the students paired against her. Somi pays closer attention to how Sejeong fights now and feels herself smiling when she finally picks up on all of the little details. Yubin always talked about fighting hard and fighting smart, as well as the differences between the two. Sejeong certainly knew how to do both, but she leaned more towards the latter than the former. Now Somi can see that Sejeong uses her size to her advantage, and she knows how to work her way around it; her hits are controlled but sharp and Somi can tell that Sejeong is best at her throws and groundwork, the things perfect for someone small like her.

This is all fun and games to Sejeong, Somi can tell, and she's half-expecting Sejeong to just start laughing and smiling already. This is kids play, and Somi almost rolls her eyes when Sejeong sends Somi's classmate falling to the ground with a sneaky foot sweep. _Show off_ , she thinks, but she's still smiling all the same.

"Somi," Yubin calls when Sejeong is done kicking the ass of Somi's classmate. Sejeong plops down, stretching her arms in front of her. "Up on the mats."

Yubin pairs Somi with someone else today, and she can't help but feel disappointed that it isn't Sejeong. Of course Sejeong needs a break but she would have liked a re-match. She feels the weight of Sejeong's gaze on her back the entire time. Her partner for the day — Taekwoon, that was his name — is a hulking guy, at least a whole head taller than her.  
  
It ends miserably for Somi, though she already expected that it would the moment he landed a heavy-handed right hook on her. She can tell he's holding himself back (and it takes loads of skill to be able to control your strikes and the power you exert) but every blow still knocks the wind right out of her chest. He finishes it with a swift shoulder throw and Somi lands on the ground with a heavy thud. She hisses in pain, sure that her lungs must be a mush of goo at this point.  
  
Yubin walks over, arms crossed over her chest, and she looks as disappointed as she was last time when Sejeong beat Somi. To the class, she says, "Lousy — lousy and sloppy, that's what you all were today. I'd be ashamed to even let any of you graduate given your horrible performance."  
  
Somi feels like this is a jab specifically at her, but she can't really be bothered to feel too horrible about it when every muscle in her body is burning. She manages to prop herself up on one shoulder. She still feels Sejeong watching her and it makes her face heat up.

 _It's not unusual to have a crush on someone_ , Chaeyeon's voice rings in her head. If Somi's face could just melt off from how hot she's blushing right now, it probably would have already. _I don't have a crush on her_ , Somi thinks stubbornly, almost to the point that she feels silly about it. _I don't like her like that._ So why did it feel twice as horrible to fail miserably in front of Sejeong, then? She knows Sejeong wouldn't ever mock her or tease her for it, but the embarrassment she feels is just something else entirely. The more she mulls over it, the more she becomed hyper-aware of the fact that Sejeong is still looking at her, and her humiliation just skyrockets further and further by the second. 

After a few more minutes of scolding, Yubin dismisses the class. Everyone is quiet, faces pinched in pain.  
  
Sejeong walks over to Somi and extends a hand to her. There's a small smile on her lips. Somi takes it this time and allows Sejeong to help her get up.

"How're you holding up, tiger?" Sejeong asks. Her tone is light and easy, but Somi can still see the worry in Sejeong's eyes. Something about that makes Somi's heart nearly leap out of her chest.

Somi winces as she hisses in reply, "Hurts like a bitch."

Sejeong chuckles, eyes curving into half-moons. The sight warms Somi's heart and almost makes her forget about how her body is aching like crazy. Almost. "You'll get him next time, don't worry."

Somi breaks into a smile (and it feels like she's literally ripping her face in half, _Jesus Christ_ ), appreciative.

Her hand lingers a second too long in Sejeong's, so she lightly retracts it back to her side and mumbles a curt thanks.  
  
Yubin watches them curiously from the side the entire time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sejeong assists in Yubin's class more frequently. When Somi asks her why, all she says is, "Well, I'm not exactly doing anything right now, so why not?"  
  
Yubin pairs them up now as sparring partners. Somi had grown accustomed to Soyeon, so it takes her some time to adjust to Sejeong. However, once they fall into the same rhythm, they prove to be very compatible. They worked on each other's strengths and weaknesses and Sejeong always helped her stay sharp and focused, pushing her well past her limits. They even started to train together outside of Yubin's class — Sejeong would teach her more advanced techniques and Somi would help Sejeong stay well-versed in the basics. They didn't limit it to just close quarter fighting, touching every aspect of fighting that they could. Somi would use the things she learned from Sejeong in class, easily impressing her mentors. Sejeong would beam proudly whenever Somi would look over at her, also grinning.

However, Somi finds that not everyone is too happy about her improvements. She could already tell that some of her classmates thought it was unfair that she had new tricks up her sleeve thanks to Sejeong (she can't say for sure that they know it's Sejeong teaching her, but she supposes that by the way some of them would whisper among themselves is enough basis for her suspicions), and one of them, a burly boy named Minjun, makes it a point to let Somi know he isn't all too pleased.

When he throws punches and kicks at Somi, she knows he means it. They hurt almost as much as Taekwoon's punches did, and every time she moves to block a strike, he follows it up quickly with his other fist. It goes without saying that this is probably the worst day Somi's had in a while and of course it all has to go down with Sejeong watching at the sidelines, arms crossed on her chest and jaw set. _Come on, Somi_ , she can hear Sejeong saying in her head. _You've got this! Hang in there and kick his ass_.

That's honestly all a little hard to do when he hooks his leg right behind Somi's in a swift leg reap, but she grabs onto him so they end up toppling on the ground together. The landing is a bad one, briefly knocking the wind right out of Somi and she's seeing stars. She takes too long to recover from the whiplash because the next thing she knows, Minjun's already positioned himself into an arm bar, and Somi tries her best to worm herself from under the weight of him while struggling to pull her arm away, but he mercilessly lifts up his hips. You fucking asshole, Somi thinks, teeth gritted as she struggles to free herself through the pain. In the end it's a lost cause; Somi taps out and Minjun finally lets go. The smirk he has on his face makes her blood boil.

Yubin makes no remark on Somi's performance and gives Minjun no compliments either. Her eyes flicker briefly to Sejeong and Somi follows her gaze. Somi can't really tell what Sejeong must be thinking, but there's a sharpness to Sejeong's eyes now as she looks at Minjun, who's still gloating. Yubin makes them bow and Somi can still feel her blood boiling, and seeing Minjun's friends look so smug is just pissing her off more.

"Okay, last one for today," Yubin says. She nods her head at Sejeong and Sejeong steps onto the mats promptly, clenching and unclenching her fists. She's quiet and her stance is different from her usual relaxed one. "Any volunteers?"

Before anyone can even answer, Sejeong points at Minjun and says to Yubin, "Him."

Minjun blinks in surprise and so does Somi, and the entire class looks just as shocked, but Yubin barely bats an eyelash. She regards Sejeong silently then shrugs. "Alright. Back on the mats, Minjun."

He gets up reluctantly, still looking confused. Somi watches Sejeong the entire time but she still can't read the expression on her face. Yubin starts the match, Sejeong and Minjun bowing to each other.

They're both about to stand up straight again when Sejeong's hands shoot up so suddenly everyone actually gasps. She grabs Minjun by the back of his head, violently dragging his body down as she drives her knee up at his solar plexus. Somi finds herself flinching when she hears how loud the impact is, and Sejeong doesn't stop with one strike. She goes for two, three more and everyone winces and gasps with each hit.

Minjun has never looked worse. He manages to get himself together through the haze of what looks like hellish pain, but he's still hunched over, proof of just how hard Sejeong kneed him. Horrible, horrible posture and position to be in. He's pretty much swinging blindly now and Sejeong blocks and dodges each strike effortlessly. Somi can see that Minjun is becoming more and more frustrated by the second while Sejeong maintains her cool.

There's a different kind of intensity to her now and Somi watches in awe; normally Sejeong didn't fight like this, at least not in sparring sessions, but it was like something had taken over her completely. She's not playing around this time and it sends chills down Somi's back. She can still see the control in Sejeong's strikes, but they're far less forgiving than usual. Somi thinks back to the first time they met, when she got a busted lip. Now she knows that _that_ is nothing compared to _this_.

A painful punch to his solar plexus makes Minjun hunch forward again, foolishly dropping his guard and his arms from protecting his face. Sejeong is quick to step in, elbowing him in the face, almost square in the nose. Everyone hisses as if they were the one who'd been hit when they see blood gush out of Minjun's nose. He stumbles backwards before he falls on his ass completely, an arm clutching his stomach and his free hand reaching up to his now very much broken nose. Sejeong's eyes are locked on him, chest rising and falling as she catches her breath. The room is silent, save for Minjun's muffled whimpers.

Yubin looks around the class before her eyes lands on Somi, who's just as shellshocked as everyone else. They hold each other's gazes for not more than three seconds when Yubin looks away and ever so nonchalantly announces, "Class dismissed."

Minjun's friends rush to him immediately after Yubin and Sejeong step off the mats, and everyone keeps a safe distance from Somi when Sejeong walks towards her. There are no whispers this time, much less curious glances. Somi hands Sejeong a bottle of water and her towel, and Sejeong quietly takes them.

Somi watches as Sejeong wipes off her sweat and notices that Sejeong is back to her usual self now. Her muscles are more relaxed and the intensity in her eyes is gone. She looks like she didn't just nearly break someone in half in front of an entire class and Yubin. She finally takes notice of Somi gawking at her and softly asks, "You okay?"

"Oh, uh," Somi clears her throat, cheeks flushing, "yeah. I am. I don't think I'll need any stitches or anything, but, um, I'll probably have to ice a lot of bruises. Nothing too bad, though, I think."

Sejeong smiles at that. "Alright, that's good," she says. She keeps her towel around her neck as she stretches her arms and adds, "I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat after we get an ice pack or two at the infirmary for you."

Somi is honestly feeling a lot of whiplash from how easily Sejeong slipped back into her usual, easygoing self after all of, well, that. But she just nods, says, "Yeah, okay. I could use something to eat."

As they make their way out of the training room, Somi catches Yubin looking at them from the corner of her eye, and if her eyes aren't tricking her, she thinks she might have even seen Yubin snickering to herself with a shake of her head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The murmurs stop completely in class now and Minjun never went anywhere near Somi anymore, especially not when Sejeong was in class with her. Somi tries to ask her why she did it, but Sejeong dodges the question every single time. Somi's badgering does get her somewhere in the end though because, albeit with a sheepish kind of sigh, Sejeong finally answers, "I didn't like what he did to you."

Somi is sure she could be clinically announced dead because she feels her heart stop beating for a whole five seconds. Her breath catches in her throat and her insides feel like they've been twisted and knotted together.  _Oh._

With the same smile she gave Somi then, Sejeong says, "I think I might have overdone it."

"That's a massive understatement," Somi replies, laughing despite herself. Sejeong laughs too, and Somi's heart has never felt so fond as it is now.

("Don't even act like you didn't swoon a little when she did that because of you. _For_ you," Chaeyeon says later on, blunt as ever, though she does look a little impressed. More teasingly, she adds, "She's quite the charmer, isn't she?"

When Somi's face burns hot red and she starts stammering on her words, Chaeyeon guffaws.)

 

 

* * *

 

  
Outside of Yubin's class and the chapel, they find other ways to kill time together.

Sometimes Somi would join Sejeong at the library, helping her pluck out books from higher shelves. Sejeong, she learns, is very fond of reading. Their library is an impressive one seeing as it was important that everyone is well-read and well educated. She would find books for herself to read and they would discuss whatever they'd read. Sometimes people Somi knew would pass by them — one time it was Yoojung and another time it was Dani, who badgers her endlessly about it later — and she would try to hide her face behind a book.  
  
Somi honestly thought that maybe their increased time with each other would leave them with a far smaller range of topics to discuss, but it's pleasantly surprising to find out that they would always manage to have something to talk about.

It’s dinner now and Somi waits (im)patiently for her cue. She idly picks at her food, only half-listening to the things Chaeyeon and Dani say. Five more minutes pass then finally, Somi catches Sejeong leaving the dining hall. She throws a glance over her shoulder directed at Somi, something like _well, come along now_ . Somi shoves the remainder of her food into her mouth and washes it down with water. As she gets up, making sure not to look too jumpy or excited, Dani asks, “Where are _you_ off to?”

Chaeyeon just snickers. “Off to meet with lover girl, are you?”

Somi flips them both the bird, says “None of your business” and makes her way out of the dining hall. She finds Sejeong waiting for her by the door and her immediate response is to smile. She’s been doing a whole lot of that lately. It’s something she could get used to.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It finally dawns on Somi that she has only a few months left until graduation. It was late September already, and time would only continue to fly by.

“You should enjoy your time as a student while it lasts,” Sejeong tells her. “You’ll barely have time to breathe after.”

Somi frowns. “Is it really as hectic as everyone says it is?”

Sejeong quirks her lips to one side. “Well, it depends, I guess.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“The higher-ups are always busy these days,” Sejeong answers carefully. “There’s something brewing, and we’re supposed to be ready at any given moment. I’m lucky to still have free time to hang with you, but some others I know are being sent to and fro. There are others I haven’t even seen in _months_ , so I’m guessing they’ve been used as sleeper cells.”

“Huh.”

“I’m not exactly sure what it is yet that’s got the masters and grandmaster so worried, but sooner or later they’ll tell everyone.”

Somi ponders on that. “I wonder what it is. It must be big if they have to keep it hush hush for now.”

“It could be literally anything,” Sejeong muses. “With all the political unrest here in Korea and on a global scale, nothing seems impossible these days.”

Somi doesn’t say it, but she’s glad Sejeong isn’t one of the busier ones. It meant she would get to be here, with her, at least until she was assigned a task. By the looks of it, the higher-ups are working on something of a large scale, and larger scale operations took time. If Sejeong had been sent out, she probably wouldn’t be back for months or even more than a year, depending on the orders from the superiors. Then again, anything could happen, but she decides not to dwell so much on that. What matters to her is the here and now — here and now and Sejeong. That’s all she needs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yubin asks Somi to stay after the class ends and Somi has no other choice but to say yes. Sejeong eyes them curiously before she exits the room with the rest of the class and the other volunteers. Yubin fixes on her handwraps, motions for Somi to come closer and says, “Let’s dance.” Somi swallows down the lump in her throat and puts her fists up, blocking both sides of her face.

At first Somi struggles a little to match Yubin's pace; Yubin is so unbelievably light on her feet, and every move she makes is calculated with precision. She knows how to manipulate her opponent and get them to where she wants them to be, and she remains hyperfocused. After a while, though, Somi manages to ride her rhythm and dance to Yubin’s beat. Yubin is still faster, but Somi catches and blocks her hits better, landing a few solid ones on her mentor. Whereas earlier Somi felt like she was close to gassed out, now she feels exhilarated, she feels alive.

Thirty minutes later, they sit side by side on the ground, their skin slick with sweat. Somi steadies her breathing and her heart but she feels her head start to ache. Her stomach is burning too; she really needs some food in her system. Yubin, on the other hand, barely looks exhausted. She didn’t earn her title as one of the best fighters and assassins around for nothing, of course, and she certainly lived up to it.

“Your fighting has improved,” Yubin tells Somi, her voice not betraying any emotions but still sincere all at once.

“Thank you,” is all Somi can say. She feels elated of course, but it’s still strange to actually be given a compliment by Yubin, who was notoriously stingy with compliments.

Yubin turns her head to look at Somi. “Some of those techniques are a little more advance. More complicated. Has Sejeong been teaching you?"

Somi is glad that her face is already red as is from the physical exertion because at least Yubin won’t be able to tell that she’s blushing now. Curtly, she answers, “Yes.”

Yubin’s face is unreadable. It almost looks like she knew the answer all along but just wanted confirmation by having Somi say it herself. “You’ve built quite the friendship with her, haven’t you.”

All Somi manages is a small nod. “She’s...I , um, asked her to help me work on my technique and she was kind enough to agree.”

“She’s generous, yes.” Yubin regards Somi with a studious gaze, like she was trying to pick her apart. “What exactly is the true nature of your relationship with her, Somi?”

Somi almost chokes. She clears her throat one time too many and hoarsely asks, “W-what do you mean?”

Yubin’s gaze is heavy and steely and unwavering. Somi feels herself shrinking, her heart beating like a jackhammer. She even hears the erratic pounding of her heart; could Yubin hear it too? She feels ready to actually _faint_ when suddenly Yubin gets up in one swift movement, languidly taking off the handwraps. Somi’s eyes follow her as she walks to the other side of the room to hang the wraps by the window. She stretches a little before she looks back at Somi over her shoulder and says, “If you’re going to keep a secret, at least make sure to do a good job of it.”

Somi barely has the chance to say anything before Yubin adds, “Don’t make it too obvious. You know how the people are here. They’ll catch on before you even have the time to blink.” When she turns around to fully face Somi, her expression is even but her eyes are dancing. “Remember that you _can’t_ alter human nature, but the best you can do is ignore it.” A pause, then a thin smile. “You’re a smart girl, Somi. I trust you’ll make all the right decisions.”

Somi is shellshocked into silence. She gets up, her legs like jelly, and manages a bow to Yubin before she makes her way out of the training room.

Later, Sejeong asks her, “What did Yubin ask you to stay for?”

Somi feels her heartbeat skip and feels her head spin when she looks at Sejeong, who patiently and curiously waits for her answer. _You can’t alter human nature_ , Yubin said. _The best you can do is ignore it_. She licks her lips and answers, “She wanted to dance.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yubin’s words get her thinking, and she thinks _a lot_ about the nature of her feelings for Sejeong. This is what she’s concluded:

She feels warm, feels light, feels a whole spectrum of emotions when she thinks of Sejeong. Sejeong has ignited something inside of her and it’s frightening just as it is intoxicating, addictive. She knows she should have no room to be thinking of such things or to be _feeling_ such things but she can’t stop herself. She didn’t care if that made her foolish or made her weak in the eyes of everyone else. None of that mattered, not when Sejeong looked at her like she hung the moon and the stars.

It’s like they said: the heart wants what it wants, and Somi knows who her heart wants.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Somi tells Chaeyeon about everything, Chaeyeon just rolls her eyes, practically on the verge of yawning. “I _told_ you, didn’t I? You _like_ her.”

Dani is a completely different case, however.

“How’re you gonna tell her?” Dani asks, eyes wide and lips parted. She looks like she’s just been told all the secrets of the universe. She has her pillow clutched tight to her chest.

Somi’s face flushes pink. “I don’t know, okay?” she grumbles. She nuzzles her face into her own pillow. “Besides, it’s not like I know shit about _feelings_ and whatever.”

“I guess now is a great time to ask ‘what would Chaeyeon do?’,” Dani replies unhelpfully.

Somi deadpans, “Thank you. That’s very useful.”

“Fuck off,” Dani snaps back. “But really, how are you gonna tell her? Are you even _actually_ going to? Like, what’s your game plan?”

Somi groans into her pillow. She really doesn’t know how to go about it. Her pillow muffles her voice when she says, “I want her and I want to be with her. I _know_ I want something _more_ with her but I just…”

“You don’t know if you should pursue it?” Dani’s voice is tinged with pity.

Somi nods weakly. “I don’t know, Dani. I just don’t know.”

Dani is silent for a few moments, contemplating, before she answers, “The most logical thing to do is detach yourself now and numb down your feelings. You know relationships aren’t exactly allowed here, and you know they also won’t really work out well here either.”

Somi feels like she’s been stabbed in the heart but Dani continues, “But honestly? I think you’re past the point of return now. You’re clearly very attached to her already, and she’s attached to you. I guess the only question left is: is she worth it?”

That makes Somi look up to face Dani, perplexed. “‘Is she worth it?’”

Dani nods, serious. “Think about it. If you start a relationship with her, you’re going to have to keep it secret. You’ll have to be careful — _really_ careful, because you know everyone here has the eye of a hawk. And most of all, you’ll have to be ready for... _other_ things. There’s a reason why they tell us attachment is dangerous and a distraction. So just ask yourself: is she really worth it?”

Somi has to admit, this is the most profound thing Dani has ever said to her in all the years she’s known her. She ponders on all the points Dani has laid out then asks her, “What would _you_ do if you were in my place?”

Dani just shrugs. “In any case, I don’t have much of a choice but to support you in whatever decision you make, but at least try to make a _good_ one.”

“And what decision do you think _I’ll_ make?”

“You’ll do whatever the hell you want,” Dani says, smiling crookedly. “You’re a stubborn little shit like that.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It starts to snow early in December. Life goes on for everyone; a little snow and chilly weather wouldn't stop them from continuing with their training.  
  
Admittedly, Somi hates it.  
  
She isn't fond of the winter the way she's fond of autumn or spring, and even the summer heat is more favorable than the drab of winter. She didn't like the morning runs around the track, out in the open, and she especially didn't like it when the heater isn't on and she's met with ice cold water in the shower. Aside from that, she also dislikes the effect winter has on her mood. She finds herself moodier and gloomier, easier to be ticked off and more reclusive. It's the same effect rainy days have on her except magnified tenfold.  
  
There are others like Chaeyeon who love the winter. It's only natural for Chaeyeon to like it; she is a child of winter and everything about her — the sharp angles of her face, the razor-sharp curve of her jaw, the steel of her eyes — screams winter. She could be as harsh as winter but as gentle as spring, all at once. She seemed to thrive in the cold when everyone else froze their asses off, to put it crudely.  
  
Somi hates the winter but at least she has Sejeong as something like a personal sun. As long as she's with her she hardly even feels the cold, her mood immediately improving. She's sure the the snow melts wherever Sejeong sets foot.

They spend their time together as they always do, sometimes at the library and usually at the chapel. Somi complains about the cold more often than not and Sejeong warms her hands. Sejeong has always been soft with Somi, but it seems to only amplify when Somi whines. That only urges Somi to whine some more because Sejeong is (more than) eager and willing to give her the affection she craves. It still isn’t enough to satisfy all of her heart’s wants, though.

Her feelings for Sejeong aren’t the only things bothering her. It would be the New Year soon, and then she would graduate shortly after. She starts to feel anxious about it. Sejeong tells her it isn’t unusual for anyone to feel nervous about graduation, but it’s not like she knows how it eats away at Somi day after day, growing exponentially. She didn’t know how to tell Sejeong that she shook the foundations of Somi’s entire being, that she tore down the walls that were built around Somi (the walls others built around her in the name of efficiency and effectivity) and made her question the things she’d been taught all her life. She made her want _more_ but she also taught her how to be soft, even how to be afraid — and that it’s okay to be soft, it’s okay to be afraid, all of the things Somi was bred to never be. _You can’t alter human nature, but the best you can do is ignore it_. So what was Somi supposed to do?

Then there are days when it gets really bad. Those are the days when Somi feels the most restless and not even physical exertion can ease her mind. She finds it harder to focus in her language and culture classes. She’s even developed a nervous habit of chewing on her fingernails. These are the days when she’s the most quiet and not even Sejeong’s presence can completely calm her. It’s fleeting, if anything.

Sejeong will always ask her, “What’s wrong?”

Somi will always answer (or rather, _lie_ ), “Nothing.”

Somi feels bad for worrying Sejeong and she knows that it will only worsen if she actually decides to dump all of her anxiety on the other girl. Sejeong will be willing to listen, and listen attentively she will, but Somi doesn’t want to subject her to that. It didn’t seem fair at all.

Tonight is one of those nights. Her performance throughout the whole day had been rather poor, sloppy. Her mentors don’t mince their words and even though it stings a little, Somi isn’t really in the right state of mind to be bothered. She makes her way through the day with very little gusto and close to as little effort and finally, when she meets up with Sejeong after dinner (not that she ate much), she plops down beside the other girl and groans.

“Hello to you too,” Sejeong quips. She gives Somi’s shoulder a squeeze. “Had a rough day?”

Somi lolls her head to rest on Sejeong’s shoulder. “That’s a massive understatement,” she grumbles in lament.

Somi feels the soft chuckle that shakes through Sejeong’s body. Her heart stops when she feels Sejeong’s fingertips graze her cheeks, light as a feather,  reassuring. She sighs contentedly, leaning further into her touch.

“What’s been bothering you?” Sejeong asks. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Somi can’t look at Sejeong because she knows it’ll only make the warmth she feels now burn white hot — a painful want that she can’t ignore. She just nuzzles further into the crook of Sejeong’s neck, letting her hair cover most of her face. “I don’t think I like growing up very much,” she manages.

“We don’t have a choice though, do we? They forced us to.”

“How do you do it, Sejeong?” Somi asks almost desperately. “How do you keep yourself so put together all the time? It’s almost frightening.”

She can hear the smile in Sejeong’s voice when Sejeong replies, “You just have to learn to smile your way through things to cope.”

“I’ve just never felt so unsure of myself before,” Somi confesses. “This is all I’ve ever known but...but then sometimes I wonder if there’s something _more_ to it, you know? I wonder if there’s more to living than just fighting and killing. I don’t wanna live my life like a goddamn _machine_ .” _I want to love and I want you_ , her heart screams.

“So don’t.”

Somi pulls back this time, staring bewildered at the other girl. “You make it sound so simple.”

Sejeong shrugs. “I’m not saying it is, but what I _am_ saying is that you’ve got a choice.”

Somi realizes just how close their faces are — they’re only centimeters apart now, and her eyes linger down towards Sejeong’s lips. She gulps, licks her lips. “A choice, huh?”

It’s Sejeong who closes the distance. She presses her lips to Somi’s hesitantly, and Somi’s entire body freezes before she slowly relaxes into the kiss. Her eyes flutter shut and she kisses Sejeong back. She manages to get a grip on the sleeve of Sejeong’s sweater and she pulls her closer until they’re practically melting into each other.

 _You can’t alter human nature_ , Yubin’s voice echos in her head, _but the best you can do is ignore it_ . Somi’s made her decision, and that’s why she kisses Sejeong back — because she _can’t_ ignore it and because she doesn’t want to. Somi surrenders herself completely.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Having to pretend like nothing is different about their relationship is a lot harder than it sounds. Somi gives up after a week and tells Dani and Chaeyeon, both of whom look anything _but_ surprised. Sejeong tells her that she’s told Nayoung and Chungha as well, who reacted the same way.

Their friends come in handy in the times they want to meet up and need someone to make up an excuse for them or be their look-out. Other times they’re a pain in the ass, like when Sejeong manages to sneak a lightning fast kiss on the corner Somi’s mouth, close enough to her lips, and Dani starts wolf-whistling.

All in all, Somi’s mood changes greatly for the better. Not even the harsher winter days can stop her.

“You’ve been quite _chipper_ lately,” Yubin comments. Her eyes dance in amusement.

Somi actually beams at Yubin. “I’ve never felt better.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Christmas, like all other holidays, is not celebrated here. There is no spirit of festivity and no Christmas carols. It’s business as usual for everyone here, but that doesn’t stop Sejeong from surprising Somi at midnight on the twenty-fourth — what everyone celebrated as Christmas Eve — with three knocks to the door of her room and a huge grin on her face and her hands behind her back.

Somi rubs away the sleep from her eyes. “What on earth are you doing here at this time?” she asks groggily. She looks left and right at the empty hallway, then at the cameras situated on each far end. “Won’t they see you on camera?”

Sejeong waves her hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about that,” she says confidently. “I got Haebin to help me out. That being said, she can only give me a few minutes with you, so —” She finally reveals the thing she’d been hiding behind her back, and it turns out to be mistletoe.

Somi stares at the plant. “And where did you get _that_?”

“Does it matter where I got it?” Sejeong retorts. She tiptoes as she holds the mistletoe above both of their heads. Then, she kisses Somi, soft and lingering. She pulls away with a smile. “Merry Christmas, Somi.”

Somi bites the inside of her cheek to hold back her own smile. “You know we don’t celebrate Christmas here.”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

“You just wanted an excuse to come here and kiss me.”

Sejeong only smiles wider.

Somi grabs a fistful of the collar of Sejeong’s shirt and pulls her in for another kiss. “Merry Christmas, Sejeong.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Not all good things are meant to last, it seems.

New Year’s is fleeting and before Somi knows it, she’s back to feeling anxious again about graduation. In March, they have a small celebration for her birthday, but Somi can hardly enjoy it because her mind is still so consumed with worry.

Again, Yubin’s words come back to haunt her: _you can’t alter human nature_ , _but the best you can do is ignore it_ . It isn’t that she doubts her feelings for Sejeong — it’s the _last_ thing she would ever doubt, and she would never doubt Sejeong’s feelings for her either. But there are other questions that torment her, the foremost question being: how do you willingly lay down your life if you had someone who promised you a future? She knows that she will never make herself choose between Sejeong and her duty, but that meant having to live with the possibility of death tearing them apart.

There are many permutations and possibilities. One, she could choke and it would cost her her life. Two, she could make a grave mistake, get captured, and then get killed because she refuses to give in and give up any information. Three, she would have to choose killing herself over getting caught, and she’s heard a number of cases of this happening. The common denominator? Death, obviously. As assassins, they weren’t supposed to be afraid to die — yes, but Somi is sure that whoever said this has never been in a position like she’s in.

 _Or maybe they_ have, Somi muses, _but they just chose to ignore it_. It only frustrates her more.

Sejeong is, of course, very patient and understanding with her. There are times when her mood is just so unpredictable but Sejeong never flinches or gets annoyed. She always tries to get her to talk about it instead and when Somi won’t budge, she just respects that with silence and a reassuring hug.

Somi wonders if Sejeong worries about the same things. She _must_ be, because there are times when the look in her eyes is so distant and pensieve, the usual calm that is etched into the muscles of her face gone. She wonders what is going on in her head, wonders if the same things that keep her up at night keep Sejeong up too.

She wonders if there are storms brewing in Sejeong’s heart and mind, too. There must be. She finds some twisted sense of solace in that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dani shakes Somi by the shoulders to wake her up. “Get up and get dressed,” she says. “Bora called for a meeting.”

Somi throws on a sweater and haphazardly ties her sneakers. She and Dani make their way to the grand hall, melting into the crowd that fills the hallways. She looks down at her watch and sees that it’s well past midnight already. Not that it mattered anyway; time and space didn’t seem to matter much to Bora, their grandmaster. As long as she called for a meeting, everyone had to drop whatever they were doing and head straight to the grand hall. No questions whatsoever. To be fair, Bora didn’t call for these gatherings very often, unless they were completely necessary. Somi assumes that whatever it is Bora wants to discuss with everyone must be _very_ important and urgent.

The grand hall is abuzz with murmurs and whispers. Everyone sits around in a circle and in the center is a single chair that looks like it’s been carved out of one large chunk of wood. Bora is not there sitting on the grand chair. Leave it to their leader to be fashionably late. Everyone else is arranged according to rank — the highest ranking ones are at the very front, followed by the lower ranking active agents, and then finally the students at the back. Somi is lucky she’s a little taller than most because she doesn’t have to crane her neck so much just to catch a glimpse of what’s going on in front.

Not that she actually really cares for that. In truth, she scans the rows of people in front of her for Sejeong, but her heart sinks when she doesn’t spot her anywhere.

“Looking for someone?” Chaeyeon asks her. She squeezes through a group of students to stand right beside Somi. Dani barely even looks at Chaeyeon, too busy with her conversation with some boy.

Somi rolls her eyes. “Shut up.”

“You’re too obvious about it, you know,” Chaeyeon retorts. Her smile is cheeky. “You can hardly blame me for wanting to tease you about it.”

Just then, a group of people make their way to the front. The students move aside for them and Somi assumes they must be some of the older kids. She feels someone bump her shoulder and she feels that person's hand brush hers — it's deliberate, definitely far from accidental. Somi's heart almost rips right through her chest. She doesn't need to look to know who it is; she just knows it's Sejeong, every fiber of her being tells her it is. Still, she manages to turn her head in time to catch the hint of a smile on Sejeong's face as she passes.  
  
Beside her, Chaeyeon whispers, "Don't think I didn't catch that."  
  
It doesn't really matter to Somi, not when something so simple as a brushing of hands sends her heart fluttering. She tucks her chin to her chest, letting her hair fall around her face like a curtain to hide the smile that spreads across her face.  
  
Finally, the room falls completely silent in complete reverence. The sound of heavy footsteps echo throughout the room, signaling the entry of the grandmaster. Bora stands in the center, right in the middle of hundreds of other assassins and assassins in training. Everything about her exudes power, confidence and charisma. She is a character larger than life itself. Somi finds herself standing up straighter, squaring her shoulders. Everyone else around her does the same.  
  
"I suppose you're all wondering why I called for this meeting at such an ungodly hour," Bora starts. Her voice is loud and clear, booming even. "There's no simple way to put it, but as we all know, times have changed. We've entered a new era of global and political unrest, and it's times like these when we are needed the most to do the things no one else _wants_ to do — the things no one else _can_ do."  
  
Somi's heart suddenly feels heavy. She tears her eyes away from Bora and lets her gaze land on the back of Sejeong's head; she can see that her shoulders are tense, her back rigid. She looks at everyone else around Sejeong, the people at the front most, and finds that all of the have the same body language. Those around Somi, the students, are more lax in comparison. If anything, they look puzzled about where Bora was going with her speech. Somi herself had no idea what to make of it.  
  
"For centuries, we've operated in the shadows," Bora continues even more solemnly. "We have the power to shape history — how many people can say they hold the future of human civilization in their hands? That being said, our role is far more complicated than you might think. There's a lot more to it than just killing the right people at the right time. It's impossible to avoid politics, even in our field, try as we might. Both externally and internally. We have always had to choose sides, making and breaking alliances for our benefit.  
  
"The government has turned to us for many years to do its dirty work. They want someone out without having it traced back to them or the military? They go to us. That's kept them off our backs well enough, but like I said, times are changing and there is growing opposition — growing threat — against us. Our relationship with the government has always been a rocky and ambiguous one, and given the political unrest now and the party on the rise, we'd best expect things to only get worse. It isn't unlikely that they will try to tear this entire place down and do only God knows what with all of us. We are a threat to them as much as they are a threat to us."  
  
Somi can already tell where this is going. It makes her blood run cold.

“It’s always best to eliminate the root of any problem if you want to fix things,” Bora says. She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “By the looks of it, the opposition _will_ overthrow the current administration, and their leader, Choi Jungsik...well, let’s just say he’s the one that’s got serious issues against us and will be the one giving us problems. But if push comes to shove, and I’m sure it will, we will _not_ just sit back. We will fight back. I expect all of you to. We’ll die if we have to, but not without taking that bastard to hell with us.”

Somi finds herself staring at Sejeong again. Something about the other girl calms her nerves, helps her keep her chin held high. It’s all very unsettling to Somi; she only had two months left until she would graduate, two months until she became a proper and active assassin. Admittedly, it scares her. She suddenly itches to be by Sejeong’s side, to have the older girl hold her hand through the sudden rise of anxiety she’s starting to feel.

It’s as if Bora can read her mind because she says, “This is a lot of news to take, especially for those of you who are about to graduate. These are hard and trying times, and it’s only bound to get crazier. We’ve done our best to prepare you for everything that could possibly happen — we raised you and trained you, and though I do hope the the worst case scenario doesn’t happen, I am confident than you’ll be ready to take on any challenge they pose against us. That goes for you younger ones too. We’ve never shied away from our enemies and now will be no different.”

The silence that enwraps the room is heavy and suffocating. Somi lets out a breath of relief when Bora ends the meeting and dismisses them all. Chaeyeon nudges her side and asks, “You okay?”

Somi looks down at her feet, says dryly, “I honestly don’t know.” Chaeyeon mumbles something under her breath but Somi doesn’t catch it. They follow the stream of people flooding back to the dormitories. She looks over her shoulder to find Sejeong staring right back at her. Just the sight of her relaxes the tension in Somi’s body, eases her nerves, and she manages a smile. She can see the flash of concern on Sejeong’s face — the older girl was always good at reading her — but Sejeong smiles back anyway. Dani tugs at Somi’s sleeve and Somi tears her eyes away from Sejeong, her nerves kicking in again.

She doesn’t get much sleep when she gets back to her room, but the memory of Sejeong’s touch, of her fingertips grazing Somi’s hand, anchors her to reality.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Somi didn't think things could possibly get worse, except things _do_ get worse. The news spreads fast — Choi's men have caught three of theirs and have thrown them into prison. He refuses to release them, they say, and Bora is not one to take no for an answer. No grandmaster of theirs ever was. This means war.  
  
Now, Somi has never once uttered a prayer. Like everyone else, she's been taught as much as she needs to know about culture and about the world religions to get her by but she's never actually had to put that knowledge into proper practice. When she hears the news that people are being dispersed and sent out already for different tasks and assignments, she gives her best shot at a prayer. _Let it be anyone but her_ is all she asks.  
  
Maybe her attempt at a prayer fell to deaf ears because three days later Sejeong tells her she's been chosen to be part of the alpha unit, the smallest unit burdened with the biggest task: the assassination of Choi Jungsik. They’d have two months to prepare and then they would be sent out — just right after Somi’s graduation.  
  
She was a fool to think any god would listen to her pleas, anyway.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Somi buries her face in the crook of Sejeong's neck, like a cat asking for attention. With a heavy sigh she says, "I'm exhausted."  
  
Sejeong chuckles. "The last few months before graduation are always the toughest."  
  
"And it only gets tougher from there," Somi mumbles somewhat bitterly, echoing the words of Yubin. She can feel every inch of her body aching, every muscle screaming in white hot pain. "I'm surprised I'm even alive right now."  
  
"Just hang in there a little longer." Sejeong runs her hand through Somi's hair then gently cups Somi's jaw, tilting her face enough so she can press soft kisses on her forehead, on her cheek, and then on her lips.  
  
Warmth spread through Somi's chest and it's enough to make her forget how tired she is, even just for a moment. It's a very fleeting moment because she feels the fatigue settling back in again and she feels the whole weight of the world on her shoulders again.  
  
Sejeong pecks her on the lips one more time before asking, "Wanna talk about it?"  
  
Somi purses her lips. She doesn't know how to tell Sejeong how reliant she's become to her, doesn't know how to say she wouldn't know what to do without her. She weakly says, "It's...it's a lot of things. Graduation, everything Bora said, us — it's all starting to mess with my head. And honestly, I'm starting to wonder if I'm really cut out for this."  
  
"It's not an unusual thing to feel. A lot of the graduates feel that way, myself included. I still wonder the same thing now, even."  
  
Somi pulls away from Sejeong, her eyes glued to the cross by the altar. Very softly she says, "You know it's not just that."  
  
Love is a scary thing. Love meant fear — fear for Sejeong's life, fear for her own, fear that they would be torn apart.

“I know,” Sejeong answers, her voice clipped.

Then, complete silence.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The days and weeks pass by Somi faster than the blink of an eye. It feels just like yesterday she still had all the time in the world. Now, she only had one day left before graduation.  
  
She decides to spend the night before D-Day by herself in the training room. She just sits down on the ground, alone and in complete silence. The others must be feeling as restless as she is, and maybe even a little excited.  
  
"Got the jitters?" an all too familiar voice asks. Somi turns around to look at Yubin, who stands by the door. Yubin closes the door behind her and walks towards Somi, eventually settling down to sit beside her. "The night before my graduation, I went here too. Everything about this room comforted me then, and it still does now."  
  
Somi supposes that if she were to name just one of her mentors as her favorite, it would have to be Yubin. It feels a little surreal to be sharing such a private and honest moment with her mentor. She's thankful for it, nonetheless. Talking to Yubin now, it feels more like a conversation with a friend or an older sister rather than the Yubin she'd gotten used to.  
  
"Have you given thought to the things I told you before?" Yubin asks.  
  
Somi nods her head slowly.  
  
Yubin observes her for a moment before saying, "I suppose it was a tough pill to swallow, the news that Sejeong would be thrown right into the eye of the storm."  
  
"It was," Somi replies curtly.  
  
"I was one of the people who recommended her for the job."  
  
Somi feels her throat constrict and her insides twist but she doesn't allow herself to waver or falter in front of her mentor.  
  
"As fond as I am of you, Somi, you know I can't do you any favors," Yubin continues. She is frank but there is a touch of pity or maybe sadness in her voice. "They asked for the best, and I would be committing a crime if I kept Sejeong from them. Our personal interests will always come last, you know that. Duty comes first.”  
  
"Yes," Somi mumbles. "I know."  
  
"You know, I didn't expect you to follow my advice anyway," Yubin admits. "It didn't seem like you would, and a part of me wished you wouldn't. I grew up being taught the same things as you but I didn't agree with everything they said. Remember what I told you?"  
  
Somi gawks at Yubin. "You can't alter human nature."  
  
"We aren't machines, Somi. We can train all we want to hone our skills and talents and we can strengthen our discipline all we want, but we aren't meant to live so heartless and soulless. Our emotions can become vulnerabilities, yes, but they can give us strength too. We aren't meant to be emotionless creatures, otherwise why would we even have emotions in the first place? It's important to be able to make decisions without your emotions clouding your judgement, but that doesn't mean you should shun your emotions _entirely_ . We can still perform our duties without sacrificing our humanity." She looks pointedly at Somi when she says, "It's a gift to be able to allow yourself to feel — to be happy, to be sad, to be angry — even in extremes sometimes, and it's a gift to be able to love and be in love. You should never throw that away."  
  
Somi swallows down the lump in her throat. She stays quiet because she doesn't know what to say and because there is nothing left to say. So she gets up instead and bows to Yubin. Her voice wavers a little when she says, "Thank you, for everything."  
  
"Go get some rest," Yubin says. Her smile is warm and sincere. "You've got a big day tomorrow. And don't worry — you'll be okay."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Finally, it’s graduation day.

The event is a grand one, with the entire population of their institution there. The grand hall is packed, and just like two months ago during the meeting, Bora is at the dead center. This time she sits on the throne-like chair, the lower ranking masters flanking her on either side. The room is divided into two: behind Somi’s batch are those who are still students and behind Bora are the assassins arranged by rank, and she spots Sejeong looking right at her. She smiles when Sejeong gives her a thumbs up.

The procession itself is a blur to Somi. She clutches onto Chaeyeon on her left and Dani on her right, and they look just as dazed as she is. It all feels like a dream and her mind can barely register what’s going on. Bora gives a speech but her words sounds so distant and garbled to Somi’s ears.

As part of the graduation rituals, they get formally inducted by Bora personally. The line is long and Somi can see that everyone’s got the jitters, and some are even visibly shaking. Somi closes and opens her fists, her hands clammy. The room is quiet, so quiet, that she can hear the pulse of her veins, the beating of her heart. She decides to keep her eyes glued to her feet as the line moves forward, bringing her one step closer to Bora and to the end of this damn ceremony already. Sejeong had told her to empty her mind so it would calm her nerves but she thinks of Sejeong instead — her smile, her eyes, her laugh, the taste of her lips — and she relaxes.

Somi hardly notices that she’s in front of Bora already until the grandmaster says, “Chin up, soldier.”

Bora is a bit shorter than Somi but Somi feels so small in her presence. She squares her shoulders and straightens her posture, standing at her full height now. A corner of Bora’s mouth tugs up into a small and lopsided smile before she proceeds with the final rights. It’s in a different language (or rather, in its _original_ language, because they easily could have chosen to translate the thing into Korean but they didn’t — purists, they were). The only part that takes her by surprise is when they brand the inside of her wrist with their insignia. Bora works about it deftly so the pain isn’t so severe but nonetheless Somi hisses in pain. The whole ritual doesn’t last longer than two minutes before Somi has to move back to her original position, bowing deep before the grandmaster.

Once everyone has had their turn, Bora gives the final traditional remarks and finally the ceremony is over. Chaeyeon links her fingers with Somi’s and squeezes her hand tight, her own way of saying _we did it, we finally made it_.

Cheers erupt throughout the grand hall, and Somi imagines that Sejeong cheers the loudest for her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone’s favorite part of the graduation ceremony is the celebratory feast after. It’s one of the few times they were allowed to indulge in mountains of food (it’s the ultimate cheat day, as Dani calls it) and even some alcohol. The dining hall isn’t as crowded because the students — it’s still so strange to Somi how she _isn’t_ one of them anymore — are sent back to their rooms after the formalities end. Still, the room is alive with laughter and loud chatter.

Somi has had more than her fair share of food for the night. Chaeyeon had the biggest appetite out of the three of them and Dani shamelessly eats whatever Somi’s left on her plate, and it’s a lot. Somi watches them bemusedly, her mind light and eyes droopy from the alcohol that now circulates through her system. She takes good care not to drink too much or else she’d end up drinking herself under the table, but she enjoys the buzz she’s on.

She feels two hands lightly claps her by her shoulders and she already knows who it is before she even turns around to look. Her heart does a little dance, as it always does for Sejeong.

“Mind if I steal her from you for a bit?” Sejeong asks Chaeyeon and Dani.

“Take her. Take her and never return her to us,” Chaeyeon replies, ripping through another chicken leg. Dani snorts as she laughs. “We’ll hardly even notice she’s gone.”

Somi feels her world go topsy turvy for a bit so she tries to carefully get up. Luckily Sejeong is there, pressed into her side to help her keep her balance, though she looks like she’s just holding back her laughter. Hardly anyone even looks at them as they make their way out of the hall, and once they’re out of sight, Sejeong takes Somi’s hand in hers as they walk.

“Aren’t you worried people will see us?” Somi asks her. She can still hear the noise from the dining hall behind her. Then she looks at the security cameras.

“I don’t think anyone would really be bothered to care right now, not even the guys who’re supposed to be watching the cameras,” Sejeong answers. She turns Somi’s wrist over to look at the freshly branded mark, and she smiles. “Congratulations, by the way.”

Somi presses a kiss to the crown of Sejeong’s head. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It just took _forever_ to get over with.”

“It’s boring as it is nerve-wracking,” Sejeong concurs.

The sound of their footsteps echo all throughout the empty halls. It’s a rarity — more often than not almost every corner of this main building was busy and filled with people going about their day. Somi likes the silence. It’s a relief to be rewarded with it after the last few months which have been anything but quiet. Somi wishes it could just be like this forever.

“We’re leaving next week,” Sejeong says, her voice just a breath away from being a whisper.

Somi feels the buzz from the alcohol slowly fade away. Her eyes don’t feel so hazy anymore and her mind comes down from cloud nine. She knows that they can’t avoid the topic forever, as much as she’d like to pretend it was all just some vivid fever dream.  Life has never been completely kind to the likes of them.

Still, she smiles.

“I didn’t tell you this before because I didn’t want you to freak out,” Somi tells Sejeong, “but Yubin knows about us. She could tell that I had — _have_ — feelings for you, but the weird thing was that she didn’t tell me to quit it.” She laughs softly to herself. “She told me something else that’s been stuck in my mind ever since. She said that you can’t alter human nature and the best you can do is ignore it, like everyone else here does. But she said I could also choose to feel. So I chose you.”

“Who knew Yubin had a heart, huh?” Sejeong jokes, but her entire face is still lit up with surprise at everything Somi had said. “What else did she tell you?”

“She said we’d be okay.”

“You think we’ll be?”

Somi thinks about it and then nods. She smiles to herself. “Yeah, I think so.”

They walk around some more, no word passing between them. The night air caresses Somi’s skin, cool and welcome.

Sejeong tugs at Somi’s hand and says, “I think we should head back.”

They don’t let go of each other’s hands until they reach the entrance to the dining hall. Sejeong pushes the door open with her free hand and kisses Somi’s hand before she lets go.

When they enter, side by side, Yubin walks right by them, probably done for the night. Sejeong almost leaps out of her skin, bowing immediately, her cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink. Somi is far more relaxed in comparison. Yubin gives them a knowing look and snickers to herself. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t,” Yubin says to them over her shoulder as she leaves.

Once Yubin is out of sight, Somi bursts into laughter and Sejeong ends up laughing too.

**Author's Note:**

> me: yes i'm free!  
> inner me: you still need to write part 2  
> me: Why Do I Do This To Myself
> 
> anyone up for some jeongmi?


End file.
